The year that was

A year ago today, I left London, unwillingly, sadly, and not on my own terms. Here are some thoughts, on what followed...

When the clock struck midnight last year, and we turned the page on 2011, I felt a sense of relief at putting that year behind me. 2011 began with hope at where I was headed, and 2011 ended, well, with hope at where I am headed. In between those two midnights however, there were a lot of hopeless midnights, where I felt the only place I was headed was further down into a well of black.

I had big plans last January, that included career advancement, European travel, and truly becoming a Londoner, and not a long-term visitor. Whilst, I was still reeling from my Grandma's unexpected death in December, I could easily see the positive road ahead. For the most part things were good. I had worked very hard to get to this place; months of low-paying jobs, nights spent unsure of my place, and struggles to understand English education at my job. I had spent so much of my time in London feeling uncertainty of job, money, and friends, I knew that was soon coming to an end. After all my hard work, I was almost there, just one more hurdle. The one I thought was surely the easiest, after finding a job, fighting to ensure that job stayed funded, developing my 'urban-family' support system, and learning my way around. I had done everything I was supposed to do, and soon, I'd be on my way.

Then February began and well, it all fell apart. The work visa wasn't coming, it was easier to get rid of me than fight for me, and a mere twelve days later, I was saying good-bye to the city, the life, that had become home. So, I headed back to my other home, where I had to figure out what was next. I had to figure out what you do when you've done everything,when you worked hard, when it still isn't enough. What you do when you miss your new home so much, but don't want to hurt those in your old home who just want to help you. What you do when you lived in a capital city and are forced to move back to the small town. What you do when you get accused of being superior, when the truth is simply that your experiences have changed you. What you do when your career is snatched away, and you have to find a new one. What you do when you hate being stuck inside, but don't want to be outside either. What you do when you feel betrayed, but still miss that which betrayed you, all the same. What you do when feel stupid for believing it would work out. What you do when you didn't get to say good-bye on your own terms. What you do when you are running out of hope.

I can't say that I have the answer to those questions; the only one I have is that, I think, all you can do is try not to drown in those questions. I think you do have to feel them, and you have to give credence to them. Perhaps, I wallowed, perhaps I spent too much time feeling bad for myself. I don't know. All I know is that the way I kept from drowning was to take the time to cry and be angry and talk about it and feel betrayed. To be grateful that I had some place to go, but still think it is okay that this shouldn't have happened to me. To understand that I am still relatively blessed, but to be mad as hell that this ended the way it did. To let time do what it does and scab over the wounds and let them begin to fade.

In time, I found another job. One in the U.S., but one that I like nonetheless. I have spent time with my family making up for so much time spent away. I celebrated my Mom's 60th birthday and my sister's 30th. I have started to reconnect with friends. I am figuring out what my next steps are. Where I am going; where I am headed.


A year later, I am still sad. Still angry. I still feel betrayed. I still miss London, my friends, and my old life. I am still caught with unexpected waves of nostalgia for a double-decker bus, my independence, and strangely at times, the smells of London. But, not all the time any more. I feel better; I have some hope again.

Endings and Beginnings

I have come upon yet another time of change in my life, and frankly I've had quite enough for the past year. Since January 2007, I had three jobs in the U.S., got accepted to and began graduate school, lived in Jamaica, lived in London, worked another job in London, interned at two different non-profit agencies, finished graduate school, completed my dissertation, moved into yet another place, and said good-bye to (too many) people. Whew.

Really, it has been a bit much of late. Seriously though, the past year has provided me some wonderful opportunity for growth, both through good times and the not-so-good times. I've struggled to find my place as an intern in agencies when I was used to being integral in the daily decision making of the Service-Learning Center (oh geez, I almost wrote Centre). I've had to re-evaluate who I am as a student adjusting to not only new grading scales, but how I have changed (or not changed) since the last time, many long years ago. I've had to face the realities of a tight job market for the first time ever, and swallow my pride and be willing to take positions I feel I am over-qualified for. And then swallow it some more upon finding out I'm not even being considered for those, and ask lots of questions and make lots of phone calls to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I've celebrated reacting less emotionally in certain situations, but realized that on this front, I still have a long way to go. Duh. Most recently I have had to tell most, and soon all, of my newest friends, (my counterparts, my partners in this past year: my fellow classmates) good-bye as they left London to start their own new paths. I have struggled with the realities of living someplace where I literally have no support system anywhere near me and what that actually means, and wondering if I have the will to create a new support system. (I do, don't worry). But, I've also marveled at the opportunity and excitement that living in a new place, completely on my own, can bring.

I suppose all of this musing is to say good-bye to my year of graduate school, and hello to what comes next. I'm not entirely sure what this holds, but I know that for awhile, it is London. As is often the case with me, and I've written about this before, endings are sad for me. Even as I look forward to forging new relationships and building a new career, I am nostalgic for the past year. Part of this is of course the good times and people I met along the way; part of it surely is because at least then and there, I had map telling me where to go. I feel quite unsure about where I'm headed, although I feel like it is in the right direction. And writing all of this here is, I guess sort of "internet therapy," or not having to say it out loud all the time but still let you know, or maybe it is just because I enjoy writing, and they say write about what you know, and right now this is what I know.

Actually, it's probably just about me seeing how many commas and semicolons I can use in one post. I'm too tired to count, but if the goal was to use a lot I surely succeeded. Hmm, I think that is a byproduct of too much dissertation writing lately. But, actually, it is very indicative of what goes on in my head. People who know me well, know that my brain runs faster than my mouth, but my mouth runs pretty fast, and sometimes when it all comes out I wish I had the benefit of visual commas, semicolons, and parentheses to help me out.

Anyway, practically speaking, this blog may change a bit now that it isn't solely about my graduate school journey (since I started it as I was leaving). I'm still going to keep posting, but it may not always be so directly related to my life, as I presume that will become very boring in the upcoming months. (Which is, assuming it ever was not boring, which may be a fallacy of thinking on my part.) I will still keep up the picture of the week as I still have a ton of pictures and hope to keep traveling, once I get some money again. I'd also like to have more comments so if you're reading out there, let me know what you think!

So, now, onto my next challenge, and on that I will obviously keep you posted.

The Times They Are A-Changin'

New post time!  I know, I know, it happens so infrequently you all thought it would never happen again.  I have been busy finishing up my semester, traveling, and having friends visit.  I guess things are "calming" down, but really I feel like it is all about to change again. And I am a little sad about it. 

Now, to be fair, I usually feel a bit of melancholy in May.  I think it is due to end of school,  graduations, and moving on.  When I worked at USM, the campus always saw a dramatic change in May: it became this quiet peaceful place (where I didn't have to fight for a parking spot). It always took some adjusting to life there without students or faculty around as often.  I am currently going through this again, as I live on campus and it is suddenly silent after a semester full of loud parties. Still, I don't think these are the only reasons.  I think that this year, it is different. Or maybe not different, just more. I feel the winds of change more than I have in a long time.  

I am sure some of it has to do with my becoming a new decade, and all of those old issues that I've already talked and written about, ad nauseam.  I also think that I'm moving into a new phase of adulthood. The kind where you have a career, maybe start a family, buy a house, etc.  I think as more of my friends do these things, while not necessarily making feel like I need to do it, I am realizing that people my age are old enough to do these things.  Like, my peeps, we can be U.S. Senators now. That's a little mind blowing sometimes.  Weren't we just in college? Also, am I now too old to say peeps? [Do not answer that question.]

Also, there is the obvious: I am finishing up graduate school, saying good-bye to the new friends I have made, looking for jobs, moving on, etc.  So, these play into this feeling as well. Still,  I am finding that I am ready to be settled, at least for a little while.  Even if I am only in London for a year, I want to find a flat, and just be content for a year.  I have felt in flux for so long, sometimes I think since I graduated college, that just being at ease will be nice. 

Still, change can be, and has often proven to be, exciting. It is exciting to think of living in London for a year, getting a job in a non-profit, making new friends.  So, while there is that same old sadness, there is also that same old feeling of excitement.  And anyone who knows me, also knows I am emotional, and sentimental, which is how I feel now.  I just can't be any other way.  

So, of course, I'll keep you posted.  I am also going to institute my picture of the week--I've been to so many interesting places of late that I want to show them off. They can also give me something to write about if nothing is going on. The one in the post is from Jamaica--Hope Gardens to be exact. This is Jamaica's Botanical Gardens located in Kingston, next to the UTech campus.  I was excited to get this picture, because I hadn't figured out how to work my close-up feature yet.  I still don't always get that feature right, but sometimes I do, and then you get pictures like these.

I'll start in full force on Sunday, and get a new one up each Sunday. Well, I intend to start that on Sunday, and change on Sundays. You know, sometimes the best laid plans...

Stay tuned.