The ups and downs of the journey...

This is only my seventh post in 2009, and it is already November; I’m not even averaging once a month. This post is basically why I haven’t written much this year, which goes way beyond the standard ‘I’ve been busy line,’ but because I was dealing with a lot. I do hope that I’ve reached a point where I can begin blogging more often, that I feel up to it and have the necessary mental and time capacity. I’ve been wanting to write this post for at least two months if not more, and writing it is a bit like getting the monkey off my back and putting the past year behind me.

If you read my last post, you know I got a job in London after months of looking. And the looking was really hard and painful and discouraging. I applied to nearly 80 jobs, mostly in the non-profit sector, a fair few in the educational sector, and even a few in the business sector. [From an American perspective, 80 may not seem like that many jobs for all that time applying, but applying was about way more than simply sending in a resume and cover letter. For each job I wanted to apply to, I had to fill out an organisational-specific application, which normally wasn’t formatted very well, which meant a lot of re-formatting on my part in order for the application to show up properly. Within each application, I would have to invariably type out job titles and tasks, figuring out how to tailor each job or internship of my past to the specific needs of the organisation and job. Beyond this, I would have to write a personal statement extolling the merits of Sara, and why I should be hired.] [Also, if you are wondering why I now organise with an s and not a z, it was because I decided it would be best to try and be as English as possible, and I now work for an English organisation—I’m not deliberately being pretentious. I’m sure a month back in the States will knock it out of me.] It is absolutely not an exaggeration to say that each of these applications took, on average, four hours. This is on top of the five to six days a week I was working (often having to get up at 5:30 am, and you know I ain’t no morning person), as well as searching for jobs on a daily basis.

While the physical exhaustion was great, frankly, it was the mental exhaustion that I am still recovering from. I was told, (or often not told but my application went ignored) that ‘on this occasion I had not been selected for an interview,’ or that I didn’t have enough experience, or thanks but not thanks. I wasn’t shooting for the stars: I was applying for jobs that did not require the MA degree I just worked for, in jobs that barely paid above the poverty line. I applied to jobs that I had experience in, and in jobs that weren’t jobs, but volunteering in prestigious organisations, where I would not get paid but hoped to get an ‘in’. (I have a lot to say about this, but that’s for another post). From all of this, I had five interviews, and not a single one was with a NGO or non-profit. Not one.

All of this alone would have been enough to shake my confidence, I’m sure, but add the recession, the constant worry about money (I was the very definition of scraping by), and no existing social or family safety net, and to say my spirit was beaten down would be an understatement. There were so many nights where I would lay awake with worry, cry myself to sleep, or just simply wanted to go home. I think half the reason why I didn’t book a ticket was because I’d have to walk downstairs and the prospect of physically moving was out of the question. It was something I couldn’t articulate well over the phone or in an email, making it difficult for family and friends to help from the other side of the world. They tried, and they did help, because I always knew they were there. My flatmate (who is now on her own adventure, and has now moved solidly and forever into the ‘one of the best my friends’ category) spent hours upon hours listening and reminding me that I was in fact not a worthless person. The few other people who I have managed to make a connection with in this country encouraged me as well, and for that I am grateful. Without these people, I’m not sure I would have made it in London.

I recently went through and read some of my old posts on this blog. I remembered writing about searching for a peace within myself that I tried as hard as I could to make it work in London. When I wrote that post, I was miles away from that actual inner peace. It was somewhere I wanted to be, and at that point knowing it was half the battle. I was slowly coming to grips with the very real idea that I might have to leave London, that it didn’t actually matter what I wanted, or how educated I was, but that economics would drive me out. For a few months (around February to May) I was really angry with that. There weren’t many jobs to apply for, both because of the economy and because I began to eliminate almost any job to apply for that I wasn’t over qualified for. I didn’t try and explain how my skills were transferable, because I knew that at least 100 other people would have direct skills. The number of jobs I applied to within that period dropped because I was just so discouraged. There was a lot of self-examination and a lot of putting things into context. I began to really look at the concept of privilege, which is what perhaps let me get to a place where leaving London wasn’t the end of the world. So, I moved into a sad acceptance of the way it was, and mentally prepared to leave London at the beginning of September, when my lease was up and the lack of fundage would be critical.

Somewhere in that sad acceptance I got a second (or maybe a fourth) wind to give it one last go. A few more jobs were showing up that I could see myself qualified for, and letting go of the worry about if I would have to leave (because, I almost surely would have to) freed up some mental space. I was still tired all the time, and still worried about money, and still sad about leaving, but that particular fight was gone. It was freeing. Maybe that’s what allowed me to ‘see it.’ A job I knew I was highly qualified for, a job that I would like, working with students similar to my job at USM. Certainly that’s why I got excited. In fact, there were several jobs at this one organisation, and I started to think ‘surely I can get one of them’. Which was so different from the ‘surely I’ll never get one’ narrative working in my brain for so long. I think letting go of the anger about leaving London, left me some space for the positive. It was not easy, and sometimes I don’t know how I did it. And it took a long time, about 8 months in fact. But that positive feeling showed up in my energy level, and I think it showed up in my application, and it most certainly helped me in my interview.

The most interesting part of this is that the job that got me excited is not actually the one I got. It wasn’t even for the same organisation. The one I got I almost didn’t apply for, because I was afraid it was completely beyond my reach. But, because I needed to know I had done all I could, I went for it. And in the most extreme case of luck literally changing over night, I actually got two interviews in the same week. I only got one job offer, weirdly the one I thought I had no chance at. It still hurt a little to not get the other job offer, but truly it is about perspective. I was able to rationalize why I didn’t get the job, because I realise it could be that I don’t have enough experience, or it could be that I didn’t give it my all because I had the other job already, or it was just how the cookie crumbled on that one day. I felt dishonest feeling this way, like it was too easy to accept this. Yes, I was now on the other side, almost a traitor to my former self—where was the pain at not getting the job that should be there. I didn’t get that it was much bigger than one job offer. I think that feeling was truly earned. I think the blows to my confidence; to my very being that I worked through earned me the right to be okay with not being offered two jobs in one week. Because one job, one job that I knew I had the real potential to love, one job that would pay my bills, help me begin to get out of debt, and let me enjoy London, was enough. I was lucky, and thankful, and most of all relieved that it actually went my way when I was sure it wouldn’t.

And now here I am almost four months later. I am working in London, working with students, training and developing, and doing things I really like. The destination of the past ten months, the job, has not been a panacea to every bad thought I felt the past 10 months, and I don’t feel happy 100% of the time. I didn’t think it would. I still have very few people I feel like I can really trust or count on. I’ve had a few incidents that have shaken me lately, and tend to feel like I generally don’t rate very high on most people’s lists. But, I feel a million times better than I did, and when I get the urge to complain, I have tried to do it gratefully.

When I write about myself on this blog, I find it difficult to figure out how to articulate certain things. How do I say it was really hard, while making it clear I understand that the fact that I was living in London with an MA is a certain privilege? Heck, that I can view this experience as learning one and not one which plunged me into debt for all times, is a privilege. How do I explain that I understand my experience isn’t universal? Most importantly, how do not sound like this is a ‘just work hard and you’ll get what you want’ story? Because many people work hard, and don’t get much. I got lucky, both by birth and by accident. I don’t know if I articulated that well, but I do know it's true.

So I suppose to sum up nearly 2000 words there is this: The past year has been one of the most difficult times of my life. I think it is because I’ve been ready to tackle some issues that I might not have in the past, to challenge the way I have always thought, and to go through a process of discovery. To work for something in a way I have not in the past, to understand the difference between true complaints and whining. This past year in all its warts, its tears, its pain, has also been one of the most necessary in discovering what I am capable of and what my worth is as a person. The past year has been a very literal representation of ‘the journey.’ I don’t think all journeys need to be so painful, and I also know they don’t all end the way mine did. If my destination would have been different, I don’t know what this post would have looked like. The journey may not be more important than the destination, but it helps you recognise the destination for it is: the opportunity to rest, reflect, and let yourself off the hook because boy you sure did try, and then, to gear up for the next journey. Because, soon enough, there will be another one to begin. I do hope that my next one isn’t so painful, but if it is half as educational it will be worth it.

Working 9 to 5

I have some exciting news, which frankly I wasn't sure I'd be able to write. But here they are, some of the sweetest I've written in long time: I GOT A JOB IN LONDON.

Yes, you have read that correctly. I was offered (and obviously accepted) a job working for the National Union of Students (NUS) here in London. I start on the 13th of July and will be working with students. It is similar to the work I did at Saint Mary, and the work I did at Saint Mary is the main reason I was offered the job. It is a one year contract, so I will be in London for at least another year. Whee!

I will have much more to report once I actually start the job. I also hope I will have some fun things to write about now that I will able to do things in London, like go to shows and travel around England and Europe.

Thanks to everyone for their support, prayers, and thoughts. I certainly couldn't have done it without you.

We are the World

When I was in kindergarten, I remember buying a Michael Jackson button at the Vineland Fun Fair. It was raining that day, so it was in the gym, and the button had a blue background and Michael was in a white jacket (I think). It most likely cost 25 cents, but man was it cool. It was also a really big deal one day during rest time when we got to listen to one of his records, most likely Thriller, (and yes I said record), in Mrs. Hawk's class. These lovely memories, along with good music, have always made me smile with regards to Michael, even as he became, more, ahem, odd. So, I think it only proper that I post a little something to say RIP Michael, albeit a week late. Hey, I was in Dublin!

Of course, if it is the the cheesiest thing ever, that's okay too. But really, what could be better, I ask you, than a little "We are the World?" It is a trip back to the 1980s, (which some of you will recall, were my home), and it really will make you laugh (and laugh) and cry (even if from laughter). But, honestly, I kinda like the song, I love the memories it makes me think of (which may be why I like the song) and for sure it gets stuck in your head.

So, here's to you MJ.

I know I've been away

For like ages. Mainly it is because things are kind of hard right now. Still no proper job, working six days a week, spending my time applying to jobs. It's all rather unglamorous and a bit depressing. And who wants to read that? And, I really don't want to write all about that. Blah.

But, things will have to change soon, whether I get a job in London, or have to move on to my next destination (which, I so don't want to do, but the reality of economics may force me to). And I'll be back boring all of you with my life.

In the meantime, keep the faith, pray, or send me good vibes, that I'll get a job in London.

Some of the Best of London 2008

I have chronicled my past year in London, and have written about the good and the bad. But, I thought it would be nice to "show" everyone why I love London, and why I'm trying so hard to stay here. Whenever I look at them, I am hit over the head with the realisation that I DO LIVE IN LONDON. Sometimes I can't believe it. These pictures won't do London justice, and they certainly can't show the parts that can't be quantified, but I do hope you enjoy them.   So, without further adieu, here's London (and Scotland): 2008

Saying Good-Bye, It's Not Getting Easier

I've recently returned to London after three great weeks in Missouri.  I had been almost a year since I was home, and despite a few changes to the landscape, most everything was the same. And it was great.  I love how home is always the same for me; I know what my house is going to smell like, I know where the floorboard creaks, and I just generally feel comfortable there. I love seeing my Mom, Dad, and sisters.  I love hanging out with my friends who really 'get me,' and I love not having to be so outgoing to meet people. After a year where I struggled in many areas, it was nice to take a break from all the worry.  It was basically my own version Cheers, since everybody knew my name. A few people even cried out, "Sara!" when I entered the room. 

After the holiday, where I got to see many people, but not everyone, I had to go through the whole process of saying good-bye again.  It was not easy.  I was just getting used to being home and seeing my family and friends when it was over.  Although I wanted to go back to London, and I missed London, it was very difficult knowing it would, most likely, be at least a year before I saw many people again.  

I have been thinking, as I re-adjust to being in London, that ever since I went away to school at 18, my life has filled with saying good-bye a lot. First it was to my family and a whole way of life, and then at the end of each year of school, good-bye to all my friends.  Then there was that big good-bye to college life and Truman State University.  Good-bye to all my friends from various work places when I left, good-bye when I left for (and from) Jamaica, and now again bye, bye, bye. And sometime, I'll probably have to say good-bye to London.  And after all of this practice, it's not really getting easier.  I still cry when I have to do it, and I still miss people and places, when I'm not with them.   All the time, actually, no matter where I am. I'm not depressed about it, I realized this is just how it is.   A price, I suppose, for moving around. 

Still, there is a reason why I keep doing it, and it has a lot to do with my desire to try new things and push the limits of my comfort zone.  While the past year was hard, it has also been an incredible learning experience.  It has allowed me to meet people I never would have, and learn so much about myself.  The trade-off of course is that the more people I meet and grow close to, the more people I will eventually have to miss.  But, I have decided, that I'd rather miss than miss out on something because I was afraid to say good-bye.  I think, in some sort of way, the difficulty of saying good-bye is a very real signal that all of this worth it for me.   And that all of you who are increasingly scattered around the world, and that I never get to see enough, have helped to make it that way. Because, if it hard for me to say good-bye to you, then the time we spent together really meant something.  Each good-bye is a representation of both beginning and ending, but more importantly, all that comes in between, the proof that I truly am making connections, learning, and growing.

That was the year that was...

2008 was an interesting kind of year for me, one with a whole heck of a lot of fun, and yet also a lot of time feeling pretty low. I entered a new decade, and after freaking out about it for two years, have discovered that it isn’t so bad. I realized that much of the freaking out was based more on what or where I thought I should be at this time in my life. Once I understood that it was simply a milestone on my journey of life I should be glad I was able to have, I felt better. (Yes, I just typed journey of life in all seriousness. I suspect the “anti-cheese” police are now hot on my tail.) In fact, turning the big 3-0, helped me take myself more seriously, and I’ve noticed others do as well. I’m slowly figuring out that getting older isn’t the most awful thing, because while it does come with wrinkles, it also brings experience, confidence, and a better understanding of who you are. Plus, I’ve started to find wrinkles fascinating, which I guess is good, since I’m probably getting new ones daily.

2008 brought the successfully completion of my MA, with grades that weren’t quite what I hoped, probably what I deserved, and good enough for me to be content. I finally got to France, and Paris, and the Eiffel Tower, and the Arc de Triomphe, which I have been dreaming about since sixth grade. I developed friendships with some great people, and with these people I traveled to 5 countries (3 on one trip!) and 2 continents. Two of my best friends from the States came to London, and good times and trip to Scotland were had (the good times included the trip to Scotland). I queued in the line for Wimbledon, sat at Centre Court, and had strawberries & crème. I “flew” the London Eye a few times, started to learn the underground and bus system, and began volunteering with some great people. I moved into a new flat, lucked out in the flat mate department, took some deep breaths and begin to make new friends, and I am still in love with London.

I also struggled a lot in 2008, the first struggle being learning how it is to live so far away from friends and family for so long. Then, in September, after seeing the last of my classmates off, I was really alone. I had to take some chances, go to some places by myself, and trust that there are nice people who will like me everywhere. I also struggled mightily on the job front, sending out over 30 applications, and being rejected by all 30. I have never been quite so financially restrained, nor had this tough of a time finding a job. After all when you are rejected by the industry you worked in for four years, you really start to appreciate the times you had a job, a paycheck, and some financial peace of mind.

I never really make official New Years resolutions, and the ones I unofficially make tend to be of the kind that ask of me to sort of change who I am, what I look like, or how I act. I’ve read many places that most New Year’s resolutions have been broken by the third week of January or so. I suspect this is for many reasons, but probably because people view resolutions, as the chance to become a different person, and that, my friends, will nearly always fail. But, I have decided to make a list of things that I’d like to work on for the next year, things that I already am, or can be (or can have or can do), but that require a little patience, a little hard work, and/or a little being open to new possibilities. So, without further adieu, here is my list of things I’ll be working on:

1) Find a job that I will not dread going to work/can pay the bills with (maybe not in that order)
2) Live within my means and start building up my savings
3) Continue to work to build relationships in London
4) Try and keep my room clean (I think this will be on my list for all of eternity, but I work each year to do it)
5) Take French lessons, or at least listen to French podcasts, to begin my journey back to fluency
6) Write and blog on a more regular basis
7) Travel within Europe this year (obviously dependent on numbers 1 & 2)
8) Work to stay in better touch with my friends not in London
9) Read a few more books
10) Read a little less internet

So, to all my old acquaintances and all my new ones, I wish all of you a very Happy New Year, and if 2008 was great for you, I wish 2009 to be just a great, and if 2008 kind of sucked, well, let’s hope that 2009 can only be better.

Cheers.