Hope

I am pretty speechless right now, at 4:07 am in the morning, in London.  But, I am crying and in a bit of disbelief, because I think part of me was always afraid that it would all go wrong.  But it didn't and there is something to be said that our country now has its first non-white president, when 50 years ago many non-white folks were actively kept from voting.  And I think wherever you fall on the ideological divide this is progress in the best kind of way.  

So, this is what I have now: Happiness, tears, and hope.  

My current mantras

The first, by way of my flat mate Nicole (who has been wonderful at encouraging me to stay positive and listening to me when I have bad days) who gave me a little bookmark with this on it; the second by way of my Mom (who has always been wonderful and supportive of me in many ways, including listening to me when I have bad days).

DON'T QUIT
By: Anonymous

When things go wrong

as they sometimes will,

When the road you're

trudging seems all up hill,

When the funds are low

and the debts are high

And you want to smile

but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit

Rest, if you must, but don't you quit

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As everyone of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up though the pace seems slow--

You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure

turned inside out--

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you can never tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--

It's when things seem worst you must not quit.

To me, I take this as some comfort in these hard times for me. This endless struggle to find gainful employment in something that is at least somewhat enjoyable to me is taking its toll, financially and emotionally. This poem, with its assurances that something just might be around the corner is helpful. My sense of quitting, in the current situation, is just giving up because it has gotten a little hard. So, I'm giving it the old college try, and if it doesn't fall into place the way I want it to, it won't be for a lack of trying. And at that point, it won't be failure, it will be a growing experience. An experience in the worth of trying when it gets hard, and being open to other paths that one doesn't realize exist. Maybe my way is in London, or maybe it is someplace else. I know that right now, I want it in London, and I need to know at the end of the day, I did my best at trying. I've never done so well at trying at things that are hard for me, so it's about doing that. But it is also about learning to recognize failure that comes from lack of trying, and a different kind of "failure." And that's where the second "mantra" comes in.


THE SUCCESS OF FAILURE
By: Joan Chittister (a really cool nun who always has such great and calming things to say)
If there is anything that strikes terror into the soul of the sincere it is fear of failure. To be a success in something marks the measure of our worth. It gives us honor on the street corners of the world. It gives us stature among our peers. It gives us a sense of invincibility. But one of the central questions of life may well be how to tell success from failure.

It’s not so simple a task as we are inclined to think, perhaps, at the first toss of the question. Failure, we know, is unacceptable. We do a great deal to avoid it. We do even more to hide it. But the real truth is that there is a great deal of failure in all success: Winning pitchers lose a good many baseball games. Scientists can spend their entire lives mixing the wrong compounds, writing the wrong formulas, testing the wrong hypotheses.

The problem is that there are two faces of failure, one of them life-giving, the other one deadly. I have seen them both.

The first face of failure I saw in the life of an internationally recognized writer who, first intent on being an English professor, studied at Oxford but failed. I gasped at the very thought of it. But she spoke about the loss of those years and that degree with a laugh and a toss of her head: “Luckiest thing that ever happened to me,” she said. “Otherwise I’d be in a small college someplace teaching writing. As it is, I’m doing just what I’m supposed to be doing.” I thought about the remark for days. Here was a woman who knew the place of failure in our eternal quest to be ourselves.

The second face of failure I saw in a woman with great musical talent who, discouraged by the difficulty of her early studies, dropped out of music school and never studied another thing in her life. She died disgruntled, underdeveloped, and trapped within the boundaries of the self.

Clearly, failure may, in the long run, be the only real key to success. The first step to becoming what we most seek may well be indifference to dashed hope and perpetual disappointment and the depression that comes with reaching for guinea gold and grasping only dust.

But if that is the case, then we must develop the capacity for failure in a society that glorifies success but gives short shrift to the forging of it. We must learn to recognize, to value, to prize all the endless attempts it takes to do what we want to do but which for us is still undoable.

So, I'm taking both of these writings with me each day, not quitting, and also learning to "recognize that prize of endless attempts at trying," without feeling like if it doesn't work the way I want, I did something wrong. Not that this is easy nor have I perfected this quest that amounts to a peace within myself that I've done what I can do. But I am getting there and feeling more confident each day, even within many moments of doubt, that it will work out, somehow, in the end.

[if you want to read more of Sister Joan's stuff, go to http://www.benetvision.org/]

I have my degree!!

I recently found out that I was successful in my dissertation attempt and therefore have officially completed and obtained my Master's Degree!  While I don't officially graduate until March, they can't take it away from me now.  

The past year has been such an experience for me as I've chronicled as much as I could here on this blog.  And as excited as I am, I am also sad because it is officially over. Somehow I think I would be more excited if I could just find a job in the non-profit sector and felt like I was really getting myself some skills to help me get to the next level. 

Anyway, I have many thoughts running through my head, and I can't seem to get the thoughts to align into a coherent piece of writing--I've tried several times since my last blog post.  I'll keep trying and hopefully something soon will emerge!

Ocho Rios

Here are some pictures of Ocho Rios in Jamaica, which marked the first of many trips around the island I took while in Jamaica last year.  It's been a little over a year since I moved to Jamaica and that fact combined with me finishing my dissertation centered around Jamaica, I have been missing it very much lately. 

And because of that, you get a Jamaica picture. 

These particular pictures are at Dunn's 

River Falls, a "must-see" in Jamaica.  Yes it is touristy and cheesy, but it is also very cool and pretty. We climbed up the falls (and I didn't even hurt myself) and then walked down and played and lay on the beach, before heading home to Kingston. If I recall (and I do) our driver was late and there was a lot of traffic, but even that did not ruin the trip. 

 If you want to see more of beautiful Jamaica, as captured by me, click here.  

That's all for today, but I'll be back soon.  

Endings and Beginnings

I have come upon yet another time of change in my life, and frankly I've had quite enough for the past year. Since January 2007, I had three jobs in the U.S., got accepted to and began graduate school, lived in Jamaica, lived in London, worked another job in London, interned at two different non-profit agencies, finished graduate school, completed my dissertation, moved into yet another place, and said good-bye to (too many) people. Whew.

Really, it has been a bit much of late. Seriously though, the past year has provided me some wonderful opportunity for growth, both through good times and the not-so-good times. I've struggled to find my place as an intern in agencies when I was used to being integral in the daily decision making of the Service-Learning Center (oh geez, I almost wrote Centre). I've had to re-evaluate who I am as a student adjusting to not only new grading scales, but how I have changed (or not changed) since the last time, many long years ago. I've had to face the realities of a tight job market for the first time ever, and swallow my pride and be willing to take positions I feel I am over-qualified for. And then swallow it some more upon finding out I'm not even being considered for those, and ask lots of questions and make lots of phone calls to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I've celebrated reacting less emotionally in certain situations, but realized that on this front, I still have a long way to go. Duh. Most recently I have had to tell most, and soon all, of my newest friends, (my counterparts, my partners in this past year: my fellow classmates) good-bye as they left London to start their own new paths. I have struggled with the realities of living someplace where I literally have no support system anywhere near me and what that actually means, and wondering if I have the will to create a new support system. (I do, don't worry). But, I've also marveled at the opportunity and excitement that living in a new place, completely on my own, can bring.

I suppose all of this musing is to say good-bye to my year of graduate school, and hello to what comes next. I'm not entirely sure what this holds, but I know that for awhile, it is London. As is often the case with me, and I've written about this before, endings are sad for me. Even as I look forward to forging new relationships and building a new career, I am nostalgic for the past year. Part of this is of course the good times and people I met along the way; part of it surely is because at least then and there, I had map telling me where to go. I feel quite unsure about where I'm headed, although I feel like it is in the right direction. And writing all of this here is, I guess sort of "internet therapy," or not having to say it out loud all the time but still let you know, or maybe it is just because I enjoy writing, and they say write about what you know, and right now this is what I know.

Actually, it's probably just about me seeing how many commas and semicolons I can use in one post. I'm too tired to count, but if the goal was to use a lot I surely succeeded. Hmm, I think that is a byproduct of too much dissertation writing lately. But, actually, it is very indicative of what goes on in my head. People who know me well, know that my brain runs faster than my mouth, but my mouth runs pretty fast, and sometimes when it all comes out I wish I had the benefit of visual commas, semicolons, and parentheses to help me out.

Anyway, practically speaking, this blog may change a bit now that it isn't solely about my graduate school journey (since I started it as I was leaving). I'm still going to keep posting, but it may not always be so directly related to my life, as I presume that will become very boring in the upcoming months. (Which is, assuming it ever was not boring, which may be a fallacy of thinking on my part.) I will still keep up the picture of the week as I still have a ton of pictures and hope to keep traveling, once I get some money again. I'd also like to have more comments so if you're reading out there, let me know what you think!

So, now, onto my next challenge, and on that I will obviously keep you posted.

I will break radio silence soon...

well, I guess technically I just did. But only to tell you I will be breaking radio silence, not to actually break it. Note the difference, and also note how totally like Team Darlton of Lost I am. (If you get the reference you know what a total geek I am and roll your eyes. If you don't, just know it is one of my insane tv references and roll your eyes.) Anyway, the dissertation must be done on Monday and when that is done, then hilarity on this blog will ensue once more. maybe even intentionally.

wish me luck. please!

London

Here is a great picture of the London skyline, taken from Primose Hill, which is in the Belsize Park/Chalk Farm area.  This area is where a bunch of the more famous live, and apparently many stars walk in this park, or something like that.  It's quite a hill, let me tell you! Anyway, Trudy and I had lunch here one beautiful London day. 

I don't have much else to write, and I also have to say "oops!" I really did intend to update the picture last week, and I didn't get around to it.  I was preoccupied with UK Visa issues (which are for the most part worked out). I may not do a Picture of the Week the new few weeks, because I have three weeks until my dissertation is due and I have a lot of work to do!  I'll just have to see how it goes.

So, to hold you over I updated some pictures on my photo site, and my friend Jen and I started a new blog, centered all around our shared love--television.  Of course, neither blog will get the proper attention for a few weeks, but after that watch out!  Anyway, that blog is Two Girls in Love, with TV... and the address is twogirlsinlovewithtv.blogspot.com. 

Ok, back to work for me! Talk to you soon.