Paging 'Cave' Equality

These days I am spending a significant amount of time at home during the day. One of the things I am doing, along with soul and job searching, is watching a significant amount of home improvement/house buying television. And let me tell you, there is a lot out there, all designed to entertain the middle class masses. (Which certainly should be a subject for a different post!)

One of the trends I have noticed that appears new to me since last I gorged on these shows, is the idea of a 'man cave.' The term is apparently describing a space for the man of the house (because, it seems this idea is always perpetuated by couples in opposite marriage) to do as he pleases. And while I don't inherently have a problem with couples having their own space or spaces in a house (in fact I think it is a good thing), I find a lot of the talk around man caves to be problematic.

The term man cave has entered the lexicon enough to have its own wikipedia page. The 'man cave' is described as a place "where guys can do as they please without upsetting female sensibilities about the house." The page further talks about how it is 'generally accepted' that women decorate the rest of the house, and men need to create their own space as a reaction to 'feminine domestic power.' These caves, generally full of 'manly items' like electronics (since women do not like electronics, duh), are where they can put their beer can lamps away from the eyes of the guests to the house. The page goes on at length about how the 'women's movement' have left men with identity problems and how they just can't please all the women in the whole wide world who want them to be sensitive and manly. Yes, I am paraphrasing, but I think you'll find I am on the money.

I find this whole dialogue around man caves to be full of fail. To start off with, the idea that women decorate the rest of the house without input or thought of men, is an annoyingly sexist idea. Sure this is the case in some households, but I think it is important to dig just a bit deeper. Traditionally women's identity and power have been almost totally defined by the home, and despite the 'women's movement,' women are still overwhelming the ones expected to keep the home. That men should respond to this 'feminine domestic power' by demanding a man cave rather than looking at that inequality, shows a lot of unchecked privilege. For a show to perpetuate this idea, sell it as not only as an accepted, but a coveted norm, make the move for gender equality in the home more difficult.

In all of the discussions of man caves, I have rarely (I won't say never, since as soon as I say never, someone will tell me I'm wrong) seen discussion about a 'woman cave.' And while I shudder to think what home shows would propose to be in these caves (sewing? scrapbooking? vacuum cleaner?), the idea that men need to get away from the womenz, continues to advance the idea of women as nagging, controlling, shrews. Ones that won't 'let' a grown man have his buddies over for a poker game, watch football, or play video games. It also seems to implicitly say that women don't really need their own space, that women would never need time away from their husbands or children.

The whole man cave idea assumes that couples of the heterosexual nature are made up of stereotypes. The wife-as-mother married to the man-child. It doesn't consider that a relationship between a woman and man could be equal, that it could be based in love, respect, and communication. It doesn't say that in a couple, both partners need to have time and space from the other one, even in their own home. It assumes couples would never share decisions about the upkeep of their home, and that if one partner does more of the decorating the other is resentful of that. And it assumes that all women care about are how their home looks to others.

I wish that these shows, because they do shape and reflect a certain way of thinking, would talk more about a cave that both halves could use for time away. That this cave is a safe space from the pressure to look a certain way, a place that is comfortable and fun, a place free from judgement. A place that was respected for alone time, but could be shared sometimes too. Wouldn't it be great if the pop culture narrative from these shows was more evolved than this!